When in a new role: Is it learning pains or alignment pain?

WARNING: This is somewhat a diary-entry-like post.

It’s a strangely frustrating yet empowering feeling navigating through a new role, especially when it felt like it wasn’t much of a choice whether or not to take on this role to begin with.

First, how did I come to this, you didn’t ask but I’ll share anyway. I was offered to step up into a role due to the departure of a higher upper whose vacancy was unable to be filled in time. This role was to be held temporarily until the higher upper role is filled officially. In the meantime, my own role will be frozen for hire, meaning I’ll have to double hat and share my current duties among all my teammates. I‘ve been given a 6mo contract for this.

As I’m navigating through this new interim role, I’d like to figure out this role for myself as well. Why? 2 prongs: 1) figuring out the accountabilities and how to effectively and efficiently work on it while learning something new, hopefully leaving the role a little better for the next person; 2) To also use this as a chance to further validate or invalidate my interest for what I want to pursue in this organisation, and if I were to take on this position permanently.

Going into this, there is already a certain chance I will experience pain/struggles. It is a step-up, of course there will be transition challenges.

While transitioning, I prioritised observing myself as well. How am I responding to this new role and what it entails, be it physically, intellectually, emotionally, or even spiritually? Across time, I was conflicted whether it was a learning pain or an alignment pain. Am I feeling the struggle of a steep learning curve, or do I actually not enjoy what I do and it does not align with my identity or purpose?

Before we begin, let’s dissect, what are these pains and how are they different?

With this, I reflected by more objectively categorising my thoughts and feelings.

To know for certain which path to walk, it was also helpful to have some idea of who i am, my values, and my priorities in life.

Before I agreed to the role, I did a quick visioning exercise, similar to what was expected in a managerial interview I had before joining this organisation. I segregated the focus and scope of the role above me, this new role, and the role below me (my frozen role), to ensure clarity in what I'm expected to do. I also drafted a 3 to 6-months plan (actually only made it a 4-months plan, with expectations of potential delays in what I can achieve in the first 90 days). This was mainly for my own clarity and conviction as I embark on a service role more than an implementer role.

I realised that my values are still aligned with my work and life philosophy.

About 4 to 5 months in this new role, I was struggling a lot. I felt lost to time at work, having to context-switch at a rapid pace in very short time, handling intense cognitive load due to multiple accountabilities held, and a pressure to be the problem solver. I was advised to delegate, which helped only a little, as delegation also requires downstream or upstream to have capacity, capabilities, and the relevant support to achieve the outcomes expected. Perhaps I still have more to learn as a leader carrying a more senior role in an organisation.

That said, did I achieve what I set out to do in my 4-month plan? Somewhat. I had plans to put certain systems and routines into place. However, it was not easy to adjust a machine when all the cogs are already moving, so to speak. What I managed to do was to communicate a lot about the bigger vision I had for the team and begin aligning and co-owning this vision with my teammates.

What I noticed was I don't look forward to work as much as my previous role. My heartbeat increases at work, not from excitement and joy but from anxiousness and dread. There are pockets of joy where I still get to excitedly talk about ideas and innovations from opportunities I found in this role, but that only comes in rare occasions I made or had time to do so.

I was also given feedback that my teammate sees through me like a thin sheet of fabric and that they know I'm putting up a front but in reality I'm actually collapsing. LOL. My partner also noticed very obvious change in how I succumbed to mindless doomscrolling and frequently try to fill my weekends with other things than work, somewhat like an escapism move to detach from work. 😱

What I also know is: this step up will definitely provide me with better remuneration and this will feed into my mid-long term plans financially. But ironically, at what cost?

It could be due to the prolonged double-hatting that caused my burnout and inability to then prioritise well, as both roles have their own priorities as well.

So, rather than just lamenting and picking one or the other, I tackled this with a lot of curiosity to restart (I guess?). I found ways to understand the evolution of the responsibilities that has grown in this role, and found out that it had began combining duties of 2 roles when context was different and convergence was necessary. I spoke to those who have held this role in the recent past as well to validate or invalidate my findings. And since all roles are man-made, I can influence the evolution of this role to ease the next person (or my future self?). There were also resources to compare JD for similar roles like this across a global network. With that, I'm also able to reassess where my time should go and if I'm doing the role right.

I discussed potential changes to the scope of work the role is currently holding, and even included potential changes to the team structure to ensure the success of the team and this role as well. Like they say for education, here too, it takes a village to raise an employee.

Regardless, there are some things I can influence, while others are out of my locus of control.

All in all, to take up the role permanently or not, that's still the ultimate question.

p/s: After further consideration, I chose not to take it on to better hone my current skills and realise the vision for the role I was initially hired for and do that well instead.